Post by GDR on Jul 13, 2007 21:41:44 GMT -5
(The following is a deep thought-induced wall of text, because our wall of text board is no longer, RIP. So, you have been warned.)
(Also, I was depressed and pensive when I wrote this. Yay <.v)
I’m tired and I’m writing my thoughts because I’m bored and I don’t have anything better to do. I’ve been thinking a lot this week because nothing has been going on. I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m starting to choose my future more. I’m not a little kid who is being guided everywhere. I want to get a job next summer, and I also want to move myself along in a new direction. I feel like I’ve been the observer my entire life, instead of getting into the action of things. I’ve always been the watcher in everything. I don’t enjoy things the same way others do. Any time I do start to enjoy something, I end up changing directions because I’m left disinterested and unfulfilled. I want to learn to play guitar, but my senses tell me that I’m too old to get good at it by the time I’m 18. I wouldn’t be able to join a band after High School.
I want to become a psychologist. I’ve always been interesting in the way the human brain works, even though mine is a bit dysfunctional in the traditional sense. In a way I think that craziness is why it’s so interesting to me. I know there are chemical imbalances. I know it’s all very basic workings, and it’s just the sum of my parts. It’s weird, because the human brain is the ultimate paradox: it was made to unravel complex problems, and yet it is too complex for itself to comprehend. Any mind that tried to understand itself would go insane. We aren’t like computers. Computers can maintain all of their components, but humans don’t even understand why we react the way we do.
I feel like I’ve been wasting my life away in a sense, because I haven’t been experiencing it to its fullest. I always seem to do this. I can’t choose one thing because I always hate not being able to experience the other. I hate talking to one person because then I won’t be able to talk to another, or I hate eating one thing on the menu because something else is always begging my attention. I want to feel it all, I want to envelope life, and it’s just too much for me to do. I can’t choose a single thing to go on. I always try to take on too much or not enough, but never the right amount.
I always have been fighting hard to change myself, because it takes so much energy for me to get from where I want to where I am going. I hate not being able to see the direction I am heading, like not knowing how long it will take for me to reach my goal. I hate that blind factor of knowing what I want but not knowing what I need to get there.
I really don’t know where I want to take myself. I’ve always had a romance with the idea of a simpler lifestyle. The thoughtlessness. I feel like I overthink, and I try to be political and analytical about everything. But teenagers my age aren’t like that. They live simple lives. They don’t think about what they want to do. They feel happiness immediately, and any way they can. I always wanted that, somehow. I don’t want to think anymore, because that’s all I’ve been doing. I want to stop being the careful thoughtful person and let loose for once, I guess. I want to act like a normal thoughtless teenager. I want to conform, I guess one would say, but at the same time, is it really conformity, or simplicity? Flexibility? I want to go out and get drunk at a party and do drugs and lose my virginity in the master bedroom of someone else’s house to someone I just met five minutes ago and will probably never talk to again or even know the name of, due to the fact that I will be so stoned at the time that I will barely remember the incident. In a way, everyone probably knows somebody who had that sort of lifestyle when they were in high school, and it’s a tempting life of temporary but intense “ignorant” bliss. But should I want to succumb to a simple life, something that requires no real direction, at least for the next few years? I don’t want to become a nameless face, and that is how I see people like that. They don't ever seem to have any real opinion coming out of them, sometimes I feel like they just live to feel good and die. Sometimes I am surprised, but sometimes it's too complicated to tell...
And right now I don’t feel like I come off as someone too... “boring” or anything. But I feel like that’s where I am going. I feel like I’m going to get older, and I’m going to have to choose between this life of simplicity and complicity, or a life of questioning everything and thinking freely.
(Also, I was depressed and pensive when I wrote this. Yay <.v)
I’m tired and I’m writing my thoughts because I’m bored and I don’t have anything better to do. I’ve been thinking a lot this week because nothing has been going on. I’m reaching a point in my life where I’m starting to choose my future more. I’m not a little kid who is being guided everywhere. I want to get a job next summer, and I also want to move myself along in a new direction. I feel like I’ve been the observer my entire life, instead of getting into the action of things. I’ve always been the watcher in everything. I don’t enjoy things the same way others do. Any time I do start to enjoy something, I end up changing directions because I’m left disinterested and unfulfilled. I want to learn to play guitar, but my senses tell me that I’m too old to get good at it by the time I’m 18. I wouldn’t be able to join a band after High School.
I want to become a psychologist. I’ve always been interesting in the way the human brain works, even though mine is a bit dysfunctional in the traditional sense. In a way I think that craziness is why it’s so interesting to me. I know there are chemical imbalances. I know it’s all very basic workings, and it’s just the sum of my parts. It’s weird, because the human brain is the ultimate paradox: it was made to unravel complex problems, and yet it is too complex for itself to comprehend. Any mind that tried to understand itself would go insane. We aren’t like computers. Computers can maintain all of their components, but humans don’t even understand why we react the way we do.
I feel like I’ve been wasting my life away in a sense, because I haven’t been experiencing it to its fullest. I always seem to do this. I can’t choose one thing because I always hate not being able to experience the other. I hate talking to one person because then I won’t be able to talk to another, or I hate eating one thing on the menu because something else is always begging my attention. I want to feel it all, I want to envelope life, and it’s just too much for me to do. I can’t choose a single thing to go on. I always try to take on too much or not enough, but never the right amount.
I always have been fighting hard to change myself, because it takes so much energy for me to get from where I want to where I am going. I hate not being able to see the direction I am heading, like not knowing how long it will take for me to reach my goal. I hate that blind factor of knowing what I want but not knowing what I need to get there.
I really don’t know where I want to take myself. I’ve always had a romance with the idea of a simpler lifestyle. The thoughtlessness. I feel like I overthink, and I try to be political and analytical about everything. But teenagers my age aren’t like that. They live simple lives. They don’t think about what they want to do. They feel happiness immediately, and any way they can. I always wanted that, somehow. I don’t want to think anymore, because that’s all I’ve been doing. I want to stop being the careful thoughtful person and let loose for once, I guess. I want to act like a normal thoughtless teenager. I want to conform, I guess one would say, but at the same time, is it really conformity, or simplicity? Flexibility? I want to go out and get drunk at a party and do drugs and lose my virginity in the master bedroom of someone else’s house to someone I just met five minutes ago and will probably never talk to again or even know the name of, due to the fact that I will be so stoned at the time that I will barely remember the incident. In a way, everyone probably knows somebody who had that sort of lifestyle when they were in high school, and it’s a tempting life of temporary but intense “ignorant” bliss. But should I want to succumb to a simple life, something that requires no real direction, at least for the next few years? I don’t want to become a nameless face, and that is how I see people like that. They don't ever seem to have any real opinion coming out of them, sometimes I feel like they just live to feel good and die. Sometimes I am surprised, but sometimes it's too complicated to tell...
And right now I don’t feel like I come off as someone too... “boring” or anything. But I feel like that’s where I am going. I feel like I’m going to get older, and I’m going to have to choose between this life of simplicity and complicity, or a life of questioning everything and thinking freely.